What you see isnt always what you get

When you see me, you see me just as a young mom being a mom.  When you see me as a parent if you are a teacher you see me as another parent in the ocean of parents.  When you see me in my pj pants and tshirt, you see me as a mom either lazy or laid back.

What you dont see...

You don't see a mom that after just delivering her first born pain.  Pain beyond the pain of giving birth.  When Rome was 2 days old, every time someone would touch him I felt in pain.  It hurt for others to touch him.  I called the ER.  I told them he was purplish and breathing hard.  I was told to wrap him and feed him anyway.  I didn't.  I took him to the ER.  I was told he was dehydrated and it was my fault...  MY FAULT.  He was med flighted to Madison.  After a day of tests, he had a VOGM (vein of galen malformation).  NOT MY FAULT.

Most babies not diagnosed soon enough to survive.  I was then told surgery gave him 50% chance to survive, no surgery 0% chance.  I remember saying... no tears "Can you give us a moment?"  I dropped to my knees and begged for him to stay... I loved him, he was my baby, I would give my life for him.

Some kids cant be fixed with VOGM...  After many years and 11 procedures, my kiddo was fixed.  He is here.. He has seizures... he has learning issues.  Going from fighting for you kids life to being told there is a new struggle is exhausting.

When a teacher says.. well they didn't get better at this... I think... hes here thats enough.  What did he do better?  When you see me and give me a numb analysts of my kiddo I just was told this is the best it will get...  When you see me and Rome and say hes doing great.. another kid just called him the "R" word.

He didnt choose this, I didnt choose this.  He is an amazing happy polite little man.  Please dont ruin it you cruel world.  When you see me you dont see the mom staying up night after night sleep deprived worrying about their kid.  You dont see a mom who the day before was told there is hope to be shut down.  You dont see the mom that tries talking to multiple "specialist" asking what can I do?  You dont see the mom fighting who eventually cant fight and all we need is someone who gets it.  Someone that cares for their kiddo.

When you are faced with your own childs mortality.. you dont think of anything else.  For years I went through it and never realized the struggle ahead til a boy in Kindergarden called my son a "retard".  We are already fighting an uphill battle..  we just need help, we just need kind words.

Day 2 Nature

Day 2 of Gratitude: Nature

I love when I am driving somewhere thinking about the millions of things I have to do, want to do and have been through...  and then... I realize the beautiful sunset.  I think how wonderful it is that I am able to see it and enjoy it.  I wonder, I wonder if anyone else ever actually stops to see the miracle of nature.

A few weeks ago when I was coming home from dropping my son off at his dads for the weekend, I was driving home,  and I had one of the most beautifully quiet moments.  The sun was setting and "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd came on the radio.  I looked at the light dimming over the horizon and let the music take me over.  It was great!  I was so calm and relaxed.

Being from Wisconsin, I get the gift of enjoying each season, even when its freezing and sweltering hot.  One of my favorite memes, "Why do I live in a state where the air hurts my face?"  Well, truth is, its beautiful.  I get to see twisted trees, beautiful farms, all kinds of trees of all kinds of colors.

My absolute favorite is when its the beginning of spring and the grass is turning green.  It had been brown and white so long that it looks vibrant to me.  I look at cow pastures and pretend Im in beautiful Ireland.  Someday maybe someday I will see it for real!

Thankful for Home

Day 1 Blog Challenge: Home

Home.  Home to me is love.  No matter how dirty the house can get or how much money I do or do not have, as long as I have love that is all I need.  Feeling wanted and needed is home.  A place I can kiss boo boos away, give and receive BIG HUGS!

Having my children feel at home is super important.  I want them to know when they walk in the door that I have been waiting to see their faces and love on them.  I always make sure my eyes light up when they walk into the room to let them know know they are loved.

Growing up with a single dad wasn't always easy.  We didn't have a lot but I always and still do know my father loves me. When my recent son was born, I told my elder son, we need to make sure this baby knows he's loved and give him so much love.

Home for me will always be at my dads.  At least until I own a home of my own to call mine.  Its always nice to come home.  There is a ease I feel.  Like I can finally catch my breath.  Like I belong which every person wants to feel.

A lot of times in life I feel like I go to speak and I am spoken over or not heard.  My dads house has never felt like that.  I am so very thankful for a home with love.

Well that was my first blog... will write another tomorrow :)